For Crying Out Loud

I find myself a bit confused. I had a CT scan on Thursday. The idea was to have a new baseline after my latest surgery. Okay, I didn't have an appointment after the scan until October, so I figured that there really was not much information in the scan. I mean, after all it is just a base line. So after the scan, I went about my day. Fine.

The next day I realized that I really did want to hear something. . . anything, from my doctor. I didn't want to be ignored by my doctor. Been there, done that, didn't even like the T-shirt! That was the main reason for switching oncologists. So, late in the afternoon, I called. He called back. Not his nurse, not his secretary; he called back.

Let me try to reconstruct the conversation. I don't have it word for word, but I hope to capture the gist.

I asked if he could tell me anything from the report from the scan. He said it looked surprisingly good. I asked just what that meant. He said it showed some fluid build up in the pelvic region. I thought to myself, yes, I can feel that. It is just pressure, not pain. He asked me how I felt. I told him I felt fine. (and I do most of the time. I have occasional days when my tummy bothers me some.) Then I asked if there was anything else. He said, Not much. So I asked, Are you saying we are sort of back to no evidence of disease? (Incredulously!) His response was on the order of, sort of. Then he went on to say, 'look, your disease is not acting like pancreatic cancer. We really haven't seen anyone this far after surgery with no treatment before. It's uncharted territory' So I guess I am back to square 3.14, or wherever. The next step is to have another scan and appointment in October. It seems a long way off, doesn't it? I hope to sort of forget that I have cancer for that time.

So, I have finally come to the conclusion (again!) that I am not in control of my life. Or my dying. I just have to wait, watch and see how it all unfolds. After all, death is an inevitable part of life.

If anyone does have any ideas about what is going on, please, please comment and give your slant on things. In the meantime, I feel really good and am back to work and going about my business, making plans. Oh, and boy! am I glad Daddy and I didn't cancel our plans to go on pilgrimage in January! We may still have to, but, I'm waiting until it become really, really obvious that I can't make it before I cancel.